


This Is Us

by Moonlighthowls



Series: This Is Us AU [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depressed Draco Malfoy, Depression, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 03:43:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13262931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonlighthowls/pseuds/Moonlighthowls
Summary: The future is ever changing, and sometimes the past is all you have. Life will get in the way of what you desire most, of who you desire most. All you can do is stand up and face it head on, to take the on the obstacles that stand in your way of what you want. Things may bring you down, but as you learn to fight your fears and the darkness that can take hold, maybe the light at the end of the tunnel will be worth it.





	This Is Us

“Draco, please! Why? Why are you doing this, why are pushing me away? Did I do something wrong? Draco please, say something. You haven’t talked to me since we got back…talk to me, please?” Harry begged, his eyes filled with unshed tears as he looked at the boy he so dearly loved and cherished. Draco Malfoy bowed his head, he didn’t dare meet Harry’s eyes. He knew if he did, he’ll break and he can’t. This is better for both of them. He had to do this. “We can’t do this anymore Harry. There isn’t anything between us anymore. We just can’t” Draco said, body shaking.  
“We can’t? Or is it that you can’t?”

_“Malfoy” Ronald Weasly sneered at the blond boy who was walking past, who then stopped to look at the red head. “Weasly. What is it this time? Is Potter so desperate for my attention he sends you?” Draco snapped, which caused Ron to snort. “Please. You wish” the red head retorted which caused Malfoy to smirk, “Isn’t that Potter’s line?” he mused which caused Ron to sputter in confusion. “Wha-No? Whatever, I’m here to make sure you don’t mess up the group project you two are having to partner up for. I swear on Merlin’s Beard that if you ruin Harry’s grade just because of your petty hatred for him, me and Hermione will make sure you will regret it. Understand” Ron warned, which caused Draco to snort. “Please, Hermione is more threatening than you Weasel. She’s already approached me, and I’ll say the same thing as I said to her. Why would I want to ruin my own grade along with Harry’s” Draco said simply, a smug smirk on his face._

____

_Ron growled, and scoffed. “You know what Malfoy!” Ron threatened, which caused Draco to cross his arms. “What? Cat got your tongue?” Malfoy replied, which Ron glared as much as he could. “Piss off!” he snapped, and Draco hummed in reply. “With pleasure Weasel” he replied, and causally started to walk away. Ron was so easy to anger, more so then Potter, Draco thought. He sighed, stalking off as he headed to the potions class where Potter will most likely be waiting as that was where they agreed to meet to start on the project. When he approached the door though, and Malfoy snuck a peek inside, he saw Harry. Sitting there, and it caused his heart to flutter but immediately his mind attacked and all feelings were swept away as the mask of being an arse was put into place. Walking inside with his head held high, Draco Malfoy calmly sat next to Harry Potter._

____

_Harry was obviously just as unhappy to be here as much as Draco appeared to be, “Malfoy. Truce?” Harry said, holding his hand out which caused the blond to look at him confused. “What?” he sneered, looking at him with narrowed eyes. “Come on, a truce? Let’s get along just for this project because I’m terrible at potions and you’re amazing, and I really need a good grade okay? So let’s just be friends for a couple hours so we can get this project done” Harry rambled on, which caused Draco’s eyes to soften, the glare to go away which of course surprised Harry. Draco sighed, “Very well Potter. Truce” he muttered, and shook the boy he cared for so much’s hand._

____

Draco flinched at Harry’s words, “Your right. I can’t. I’m not right for you. I never was, you made me so happy. So happy, but we were never meant to be. I’m sorry, but you deserve someone who deserves you. Deserves your love and your devotion, and that’s not me Harry” he said, barely meeting Harry’s eyes who looked at him with sorrowful eyes, as though they were shattering. Which most likely was where Harry’s heart was. “Draco…” he whispered, “Draco you can’t mean that. I thought…I thought you were getting better. I thought-“ Harry was interrupted with Draco’s angry reply. “Yea you thought Potter. You knew we would never mean anything. You knew that. I never met anything to you. Just a little fling” Draco snapped, and Harry took a step back from Draco’s fury. 

“Oh…Draco do you really think that? How wrong you are. I want to spend the rest of my life with you Draco. You. There is no one else I want by my side when I wake up in the morning. No one else I want to argue with, and no one else…no one I else I want to love. I love you Draco. I love you with all my heart has to offer and more”

“Please don’t say that to me”

_After the potions project, the two seemed to keep the truce alive. They kept being friendly, and kind to each other and soon they were even starting to be considered friends. Harry in fact was actually surprised how well he got along with Draco, he was confused to what even truly caused this rivalry between the two. What sparked up this hatred, and why did they let it fester so much within them when they could’ve just talked it out. Surprisingly Harry could see Draco being a part of their adventures, a part of the ‘Golden Trio’ in a way. He finds that he really doesn’t mind that idea so much._

____

_“So. You’re telling me that you and Ron decided to use a Polyjuice potion to spy on me? Really Potter…and as Crabbe and Goyle? That’s really a stupid plan. You used a potion that takes 3 months to make to spy on me, such an idiotic move. There is so many other people that you can spy on that would have much more information than me you idiot” Draco chuckled, laying back against his arms on the grass and staring up at the sky before moving his grey eyes to look at Harry. This caused Harry’s heart to flip, and a very light blush to creep upon his face. What sparked this reaction Harry thought? Why was his heart beating a million miles a second, but he couldn’t help but noticed how beautiful Draco looked under the sun, the way its rays hit the Malfoy heir. The way his eyes sparkled, and the way he glowed when he smiled._

____

_“Potter? Are you dazing off again? Seriously, no wonder you are so bad at potions. Can’t focus to save your life. Am I really that boring?” Draco mused, which broke Harry out of his stupor. “Nah, you could never be boring. You can’t ever be boring with how much talk, can never seem to shut up” Harry snickered, which caused Draco to flash his signature smirk. “Who knew we could ever be friends” Draco laughed softly, looking at Harry with those gorgeous eyes of his. He felt as though he could swim forever in their liquid depths, and so without even thinking, Harry Potter cupped Draco’s cheek and kissed him softly on the lips._

____

_The blonde’s eyes widened, kissing back in till he realized what was happening. He shoved Harry off him roughly, and ran off back into Hogwarts. He left Harry behind in a daze, questioning how stupid he really was. Did he really just do that? Did he just kiss Draco? Because of his idiocy now he may have just lost a friend he didn’t want to lose._

____

____

Why can’t I love you Draco because I do. I need to say it to you. I want to say it to you every day! Whisper it in your ear, and then shout it to the world. I Love you Draco Malfoy. Why…Why are you hurting yourself like this? Why are you hurting me?” Harry pleaded with Draco, trying to make him see reason. “I’m sorry, but it has to be this way Harry. This is the best way for both of us, and…and you should know that” Draco whispered in reply, a crack in his voice.

“Is it because of your father? Because he can’t hurt you here. I won’t let him. I won’t let anyone hurt you anymore Draco, not even yourself”

_Draco ignored him for a week after the kiss. Harry desperately tried to talk to him, but the cunning Slytherin was apparently an expert on avoiding him. He knew he messed up badly, and he knew deep inside that he didn’t regret it but he had to apologize to Draco. Even if he didn’t mean it. He wanted to tell Draco that he didn’t mean for the kiss to happen even though desperately he wanted more. That it was a stupid decision, but he knew he couldn’t lie to the Malfoy. Merlin, ever since the kiss that was all he could think of. Those lips against his. To make them bruised and battered, to have those moon colored eyes darken with lust and desire for only Harry. To have the pale skin to mark and claim, to make him all his own. To lay Draco beneath him, and make the Malfoy heir moan and writhe in the pleasure Harry gifted him._

____

____

_One night as he was looking at the Marauder’s map, he noticed Draco’s name in the Room of Requirement. At first it seemed to surprise Harry, but then he had a feeling that Draco wanted him there. After all, he was the one to show him where it was after all and how to find it. Grabbing the Invisibility Cloak and the map, he snuck his way through the maze of hallways and patrolling teachers so he could speak with Draco._

____

____

_When he entered the room and took off the cloak, he admired the sight before him. There Malfoy sat upon a luxurious bed, covered in a deep red color that made Draco’s pale skin and hair stand out perfectly. “P-Potter” Draco stuttered out, looking at him with nervous eyes. The boy was shaking softly, and all Harry wanted to do was wash Draco’s worries away but he knew the boy needed to speak before Harry approached more. “Hey Draco” Harry replied with a soft tone, adoration in his eyes. Draco took a deep breath, then started to speak._

____

____

_“Did you mean it? The kiss? It wasn’t just some…some dare, or you trying to figure out your sexuality or some prank because I’m not...I’m not some joke, some experiment okay. I’m not going to…w ha-what are you doing” Draco rambled nervously as he looked at Harry with wide eyes as Harry moved closer to him. “While the kiss did come as bit of a surprise to both me and you, I realize that I don’t regret it Draco. There’s this wonder about you that makes me unable to keep my eyes off of you. I want you so bad. My obsession with you was my attraction, and I was too stupid to notice” Harry whispered softly before moving to put his lips to Draco’s own._

____

____

_The blonde let out a little sob of relief within the kiss, wrapping his arms around Harry’s neck to move him closer. Harry kissed him harder, tasting the male’s mouth, as he slowly pushed him down on the bed, laying Draco beneath him. They made love that night. Draco was as beautiful as he is now, the way the moon shines on his body, the way he moaned with lust and desire for only Harry, to let down his walls. Draco cried when they climaxed and Harry held him close._

____

____

_A summer seems so long ago._

____

____

Draco then started to cry, tears falling down from his eyes as Harry’s heart broke more. His lover’s body was shaking again, as little sobs escaped his mouth. Harry watched as Draco curled up on himself, he could practically hear the thoughts running through Malfoy’s head. “You need to stop hurting yourself Draco. You’re worth it. You’re worth every bit of love and devotion that you receive. You’re…Your so beautiful Draco, why can’t you see that for yourself?” Harry said gently, he wanted to bring his lover into an embrace but Draco backed up when he tried.

“I’m not Harry. I’m disgusting, and worthless and…and I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep just lying to you” Draco cried, eyes opening back up when he felt Harry’s warm hand against his cheek. Draco leaned against it, knowing this may be the last time Harry would touch him so affectionately again. “What are you talking about? Lying?” Harry said confused, and Draco took a step back to start lifting the sleeve of his left arm. The familiar scars that Harry had kissed lovingly weren’t the only thing that laid upon Draco’s pale arm.

A Dark Mark marred his skin as well.

_The first time he saw Draco hurting himself was when he saw the boy running down the hallway to the prefects bathrooms. Following him as a worried boyfriend should, and entering the bathroom after saying the password. He knew it because Draco told him so they could have some private times in those baths, but instead of see Draco soaking in warm water he instead saw his lover digging a sharp razor across his skin. The boy was crying heavily, sobs raking his body which brought tears to Harry’s eyes as well._

____

____

_Immediately running after the initial shock wore off, he gripped the arm which held the razor and yanked it away from Draco’s arm. He grabbed the razor and threw it to the side, then ripped some of his shirt to wrap around Draco’s wound to stop the bleeding. All the while, Draco couldn’t stop crying, fighting against Harry, trying to grab the razor again so Harry pulled Draco into his chest and let him cry into his shirt. He slowly rock his body back and forth, trying to sooth the crying male, humming sweet words in his ears, telling Draco how much he loved him. Why would he do this Harry couldn’t help but think. Why would Draco want to hurt himself this way, to destroy himself this way but the biggest thought was, how could Harry not notice this. How did he not notice the scars upon Draco’s arms when he made love to him, when they cuddled in the bed, or relaxed against each other while star gazing._

____

____

_“Oh Draco” he whispered softly, humming little lullaby’s in his ear to help him calm down. Soon the horrible sobs turned into hiccups, his breathing ragged and the tears were slowly fading away. “I’m sorry Harry, y-you weren’t supposed to see this. Didn’t want you to know. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” he kept repeating, but Harry simply held him close as he shushed him softly. He pet his hair, “You can tell me anything Draco. Anything, the good and the bad” Harry gently said._

____

____

_“I’m always on your side.”_

____

____

“Why?” Harry whispered. He felt betrayed…used. “Why would you accept the Dark Mark Draco?” He yelled, causing the blonde to flinch away from him, which seemed to further his anger. “You-You…I can’t believe I trusted you. I shouldn’t have trusted you. Merlin…were you just using our relationship to spy on me for Voldemort? Were you just using me for your sick pleasure?” Harry spat out as the tears fell down hard from Draco’s eyes. “Please Harry, let me explain” Draco pleaded with him, moving closer as Harry took a step back in disgust. He turned around, trying to hide the fact that he felt so betrayed. The tears falling from his own green eyes, shaking badly.

When Draco touched Harry’s shoulder, the male he couldn’t help it. He whipped around and punched the Malfoy heir hard, sending him sprawling to the ground with wide eyes. He laid there in shock, getting to where he as half sitting, half lying down, touching his wounded cheek. Already an ugly bruise was forming, and Harry glared at Draco with rage in his eyes. That caused Draco to cower below him, his eyes closed, curling on himself, breathing ragged. Harry just shook his head, turning around to walk off, the anger coursing through his body. 

“I’m sorry”

_Draco told him everything that night. Of the way his father beat him for every mistake he did, even if there were times his mistake was for just existing. The way his father watched him as the Death Eaters forced themselves upon him, the way they practiced the Crucio curse on him. How in every moment of Draco’s life was pain, and loneliness and fear. Draco told him many times in his explanation how close he was to dying so many times, how Draco wanted to die. Then he told Harry he was too much of a coward to die. At least that was what Lucius told him when he found Draco trying to slit his wrists and failed to do so. It broke Harry’s heart when he heard Draco say these things. How could someone so beautiful be so broken, so lost, have such a desire to die?_

____

____

_When Draco fell asleep in Harry’s arms after he snuck the Slytherin into his room in the Gryffindor Tower, was when Harry broke down. His tears fell from his eyes as he clung the boy closely to his chest. Draco didn’t deserve all of this pain inside of him, he deserved love and kindness, to have someone love him with all his heart. Something Harry was more than willing to give the boy he cared for so much._

____

____

_“I love you Draco”_

____

____

Harry stopped with wide eyes when he realized what he did. He hurt Draco. He…He was such an idiot. Draco would never betray him willingly, he saw the love in Draco’s eyes when they parted ways last summer and the brokenness of them now. He then turned back around and where he left Draco sitting there with a broken look in his eyes. He seemed different, numb and not really there. “Draco, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry” Harry sobbed softly, bringing the blond haired boy tightly into his arms. His heart hurt for the boy, who didn’t react to Harry’s return. He didn’t seem to react to anything, and this wasn’t the first time he’s seen Draco like this. It broke his heart that he did this to him.  
“I’m sorry Draco, can you please speak to me?” Harry whispered, holding the boy close as he then started to play with the boy’s hair. He hummed a soft little song, a lullaby he learned was Draco’s favorite. He tried to bring the boys mind back, but he could tell the male was too far gone right now to truly process that Harry had returned to him. “Draco. Baby?” He said softly, gripping the males chin with a gentle touch and moved his face to have the blond look at him. “Baby? You here?” he asked gently, cupping his cheek and moving his hair out of the way.  
“Draco?”

_One time, Harry found Draco sitting in their usual spot. They were meeting up for lunch, with Harry appointed to bring the food, but right away he could tell something was wrong. Draco was completely silent, dried tears on his face and holding a piece of paper in which Draco was staring numbly at. The blond didn’t seem truly be there right then, a fact that scared Harry. He never saw his boyfriend so quiet before, at least not without a book in his hand or studying for a test. Draco reminded Harry so much of Ron and Hermione, a perfect mixture between the two._  
So with a frown, the male gently sat next to the Malfoy Heir, setting the food he got from the elves to the sighed. “Draco? Baby you here?” he asked gently, looking at the paper that the blond held in his hands. Moving to sit in front of the male then, cupping his cheeks to stare into Draco’s beautiful gray eyes, which seemed to lack the little spark Harry so dearly loved. Now truly worried, he gently took the piece of paper that rested in Draco’s hand and read the words. It was a letter from Draco’s father, Lucious Malfoy. With a frown, he read the letter as the harsh words screamed at Draco and Harry from the pages. “Oh Draco” he whispered, “I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this” Harry said with sorrow in his voice.  
__He finally understood what happened to Draco, why he seemed so sad. To have such cruel words written by your own father like that. He didn’t know how Draco could handle stuff like that.  
__Draco liked to disappear. He did too sometimes.____

______ _ _

______ _ _

“I’m so sorry Draco. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I-I didn’t mean too” Harry stuttered out, a tear falling from his eyes. “I know you’d never choose this willingly. Merlin Draco, I’m such an idiot. I know, I know just please baby. Come back to me” Harry cried softly, holding the emotionless boy tightly in his arms. Slowly, Draco started coming back to Earth. He was taking shuttering breaths, shaking in Harry’s arms as the males eyes squeezed shut. Soon sobs started raking his body as a couple tears fell from his eyes.  
“I’m sorry Harry” he rasped out, clinging to the male with shaky hands as he looked up at the boy he loved. “I should’ve fought harder. Said no longer bu-but they hurt me Harry. It hurt so badly” He cried, wheezing painfully as he curled into Harry’s loving arms. All his emotions seemed to pour out in this emotion as clung to Harry’s shirt, now wet from Draco’s tears.  
“It’s okay my love, you shouldn’t have ever been made return. It’s all my fault my love, you don’t deserve this. Ill protect you now”

_His favorite memory of Draco was before the end of the school year, before they will be separated again for the summer. Draco was terrified to go home, which made Harry’s heart tighten with pain. No person should be afraid to go home. Especially not Draco Malfoy. ‘Draco deserved the world’ Harry thought. So Harry planned something just for Draco, to have the male he so dearly loved to leave this year behind with only happy and loving memories. Hopefully it will be enough to help Draco make it through the summer._  
So Harry went to the Room of Requirement, the room started shifting to what Harry desired. A beautiful room took place in front of Harry, the bed in which he had made love with Draco the first time. Lots of space was given to him, giving Harry everything he needed to proceed with his plans. Soon Draco entered the room, just on time as he usually is (Draco always hated being late) and was dressed so perfectly in his black suit with a white undershirt. “Harry? What’s going on?” Malfoy curiously questioned, looking around in curiosity. Harry simply smiled in reply, holding out his hand and asking a simple question which caused a beautiful flush to form on Draco’s pale cheeks. “May I have this dance?”  
A soft little smile appeared on Draco’s face, as he gently took other males hand, who slowly pulled the other close. Music started to play, and soon the two started to dance slowly to the music. Draco’s eyes seemed to sparkle within the candle light, which of coursed made Harry fall for him harder. “You have such beautiful eyes Draco” he whispered softly, tucking a few strands of the male’s hair behind his ear, starting to sing along with the music playing in the background. “Wise men say, only fools rush in but I can’t help falling in love with you” Harry sang softly into Draco’s ear, whose red cheeks have yet to fade away. He slowly spun the blond around, who seemed to let out a huff of laugher, as Harry continued to cheekily sing along with the music. __

___"Shall I stay? Would it be a sin? If I can’t help falling in love with you” ____ _

_____The two danced the night away, holding each other close in loving embraces, singing along to the lyrics they know. Soon the two fell into the bed, giggling with a playful mood as both were both drunk with the love they had for each other. With Draco looking up at Harry who smiled down at him, gently cupping the boys cheek. “I love you so much Draco Malfoy” he whispered, his words filled with the passion he feels for him. Draco smiled back, “I never planned for this, but I love you too you prick” he replied with a smile. Harry simply chuckled, shaking his head fondly as he slowly started to lean down. ____ _ _ _

_______The two kissed, and the world seemed too had fade away. ____ _ _ _ _ _

_______________Harry held the crying boy close to his chest, his own throat clogging up with his own sorrow. Merlin, Draco didn’t deserve this. “Draco, look at me” Harry said sternly, in which the blond complied as he sniffled with unshed tears. “I won’t let anyone hurt you again Draco. No one will touch you without your consent. When the war is over, me and you? We’re going to travel the world just like you want to. We’re going to visit every single country, see every sight, and eat and try as much food as we want” Harry said lovingly, wiping away one of Draco’s tears. “Every night, I shall worship you like the beautiful creature you are, all I need you to do is just hold on a little longer Draco. Please?” He whispered, Harry’s green eyes pleading for Draco to fight. To keep fighting, just a little longer so Harry can kill Voldemort. So Draco can truly be free from the pain._  
“I don’t deserve you Potter” he whispered, “All I do is push you away. I hurt you”  
Harry only seemed to chuckle in reply, “That’s your way of showing me you love me” he replied, “I’ll never let you go. That invisible rope that you keep tied around your neck, that darkness that keeps threatening to swallow you whole, I’ll fight it. So long as you fight it too. Cause baby, it’s going to be me and you. Draco and Harry against the world” Harry said lovingly.  
The two kissed with a passion, and the world faded away. 


End file.
